| Shiny |
[Sep. 28th, 2004|01:47 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Decemberists - Live over the Phone | ] |
I had been 23 years old for a mere half hour when a dear friend, who recently moved away to the states, calls my house unexpectedly. well, my boyfriend shouted "it's pau!" when he heard the ring but i though it was another pau, so it took me by surprise nonetheless. o_-
there's more. she was at a decemberists show, lucky bastard! --> she even won the tickets!!! o_O so we talked and we listened, and i could hear the lovely music in the background. such lovely music... such lovely gesture! i couldn't stop smiling.
my boyfriend and i were playing go (go board and stones were his birthday present n_n). so we resumed the game, but i was confused, ecstatic and every move i made was a shame. the stones kept taking places on the board until pau called again, this time, MOST unexpectedly. why on earth would she call again? hehe! and why would she plan to call for a third time as well? hehehe!
i still cannot believe what i'm going to state but it IS true! i swear!
she called to make sure i would answer the phone the next time it rang for a strangely familiar voice would melt my ears with the sweetest most amazing gift i could ever have...
(brace yourselves -if there's anyone out there)
colin, decemberists' singer, was talking to me, was saying happy birthday to me: a sick, sore throated, mind numb with go, finals and unexpectedness girl in Buenos Aires. i stole a song from him, although i rather say it was a gift o_-, and i'll keep those shiny verses next to my heart forever.
i had an important final the following day, wasn't at all ready for it, hadn't been sleeping or breathing well for the last weeks and i just couldn't help but smile. i still cannot believe it, and every time i think about it i feel happy, somewhat special. this brief conversation kept me and will keep me blissful for indefinite time.
Pau, it has been and will continue to be amazing. I can't thank you enough! |
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| my body is a prison |
[Sep. 15th, 2004|02:22 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Interpol - Stella was a diver and she was always down | ] |
an abominable cold has been haunting my nose for the last month or so...
but it wasn't until today that i realized that I, I make myself SICK.
the sight of my written words makes me feel even worse,
the sound of them in my head makes me wish i were deaf
hate is not enough, i've given up this time. |
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| tirami su |
[May. 6th, 2004|03:15 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pensive | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | bullet -- paul's song | ] |
In the morning i hear the angels they lick our faces to make you smile, oh help me
we never touch please remember I still believe in something beautiful
and you are...all i need..pick me up..I'm crying
In the winter when the angels sit between us and wish that we could know
i would want to tell you how much but the words here are hard for me to see
and you are all i need..pick me up..i'm crying and you are all i need...to pull me down..i'm flying...and you are all i need....crying
---
i can't stop listening to paul's song
because i can't stop crying
because i can't stop listening to paul's song
my boyfriend said that it defied logic. he didn't know whether he liked the movie because of the song or the song because of the movie (the safety of objects). that it was none and it was both at the same time. i guess it's the same for me. i defy logic. |
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| ? |
[May. 5th, 2004|04:17 am] |
there was a time when i lived and lived and time didn't seem to exist at all. i went from not caring to being aware of every single second of the day and how i waste it (frustration is as limitless as my ability to waste). but when did time start to matter so much? what triggered this amount of worry and regret? when did i start the clock? when did i stop living?
those invisible threads that link me to my friends have almost dissapeared... doing nothing with someone.
when i see these friends (friend?) of mine it feels awkward to discuss this issue. maybe when i see her i'm not actually being with her. and we talk about our studies, the weather, the clothes we've bought. and we promise to get together more often. but we don't.
ok, i miss her. but what about the others?
with the others the conversation has never been to the obscure places and it drifts to strange ones, strange to the point of needing to search the web in order to verify the name of a cartoon character.
sometimes time stops, those times i'm with my boyfriend, i forget i'm living, i forget about it all and i smile (i'm smiling now n_n). i forget so much and i really don't want to start feeling bad about myself... i don't tell him. if by chance we get close to the subject i feel threatened and insulted and we start yelling. i don't want him to know that i sit and bore myself all day. but he does?
i wake up, start the mac, open itunes, illustrator, atm, flash, photoshop... light a cigarette and stare at the ceiling. cry over a song, cry over a memory. hate myself for knowing what is wrong and not changing it.
do i really know?
sometimes i have ideas for projects and my mind spins with enjoyment. i write them down, look for that spot in the ceiling again and count the seconds i'm wasting.
then finals come and i rush, create sloppy flawful design of which i'm not completely proud of, print, forget, print, finish a little past right on time having not slept for 3 days and get an 8/10. still not entirely satisfied but relieved? regretful of the time i wasted. absurdly calculating amounts of time i should have spent on each assignment...
are those grades encouraging this behaviour?
blaming is pointless. and i need to sleep.
ps: posting is extremely hard. i'm kind of afraid... i can't stand me. i need to create. by myself. for myself and others. at least i've started studying fine arts? i enjoy it. even if i don't "art" at home. |
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| my boredom has outshined the sun |
[May. 5th, 2004|03:40 am] |
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i bore myself. i don't deserve to live, love, be loved (much less by such a beautiful amazing person as franco). i wish i could wake up from nothingness... i want to feel more, enjoy myself with some (any?) of the things i do. the thing is i don't do enough. i don't do at all. i waste time (health and youth), i sleep, wake up: empty handed/minded and already bored. |
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| first post |
[Dec. 27th, 2003|02:01 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  okay | ] |
i am currently knitting something and making phenakistiscopes and thaumatropes for family and friends. wondering if all first posts are this pathetic (at least i have a link, he! o_-) |
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